On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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