My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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