In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
