woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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