Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
