my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
PANTIES FOUND
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