He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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