Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
