Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
