Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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