She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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