Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
