i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
