dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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