Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
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