Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
