You're my little dorito
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
