Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
