I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
