Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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