i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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