We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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