I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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