I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the day after is always just damage control
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
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