he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
