I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
