new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
