You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
