Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
