Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
We left the knife in your bed.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize
