i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
