One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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