nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
