so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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