how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
