i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
