The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
