i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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