I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
