I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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