He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
