My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
