just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Damn victory sex feels great
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
