so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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