Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
