How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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