I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
