Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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