am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
