I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
