i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
